24 March 2006

Thoughts Inspired by Hairspray Metal

I catch myself on Friday nights, being domestic and listening to music from my good old days. Oh yes, she certainly was a fast machine who kept her motor clean...

A while back, Danny Duke burnt me a two disc (slightly hairspray) metal mix. AC/DC, Helix, Van Halen and the like...It's the perfect compilation to get ready to, the perfect mix to bring me out of bluest days, the perfect selection of songs to keep me company and keep me up. Actually, it makes me want to get all dressed up and go out on the small town. Driving up and down the small town strip of main street, singing along, with a large coffee to go and cigarette in hand. When was the last time I could state, this is the anthem of the year? I just may getting old, but I say the last time was back in the fluffy metal days. School's out forever, you say? Why, yes, it certainly is!

Like any other fifteen year old, I was down in the dumps for one summer. And I swear, the only thing that got me through that summer was the Alice Cooper album Welcome To My Nightmare. It was a worn out vinyl record, purchased at a garage sale with no cover. It skipped. It was treated like trash from it's former owner. But this record, it allowed me to close my eyes and dream. It was a healthy escape. That boy may have shot through my heart and gave love a bad name, but Alice Cooper saved my summer. I guess I should give a little credit to the cast of Welcome Back, Kotter because I do recall watching a lot of reruns of that show that summer (no, no...it wasn't the cause of my slump).

And Def Leppard. Though one cannot really call it metal, it was the first cassette tape my sister bought when she entered the metal phase - and probably the first one she stopped listening to and pawned off on her annoying little sister. I remember sneaking into her room, not only to steal her liquid eyeliner but to secretly listen to her L.A.Guns tape which I still faithfully love. Def Leppard opened the door, the L.A Guns were there to greet me and pour a little sugar on me (though, back then, I didn't really understand what exactly that entailed).

The synth-horn plight of Europe, warning us of the Final Countdown. The trampy threat and the encouragement not to just sit there and wait for things to happen, what are we going to do? R-O-C-K you!Oh, I love rock n' roll too!

I think it's just a matter of getting older. There are no bands that make me want to throw on tight pants and raise my devil sign making hands in the air and just give'r, with the exception of The Darkness. Nowadays, you hear of kids going to concerts and raising their illuminated cell phones in the air. What happened to those days where you held up your lighter and burnt your thumb to the sap of the power ballad? What happened to the power ballad?! I scream for vengence! I just long for another time where I can actually get one hundred percent excited about seeing a show AND walking away only to talk about it for days long after. Let's keep our fingers crossed for the Darkness coming to town (and, my beloved Leonard). I'm in dire need of a huge cheesy metal concert sing-a-long.

Do all women wonder about the power of Gene's tongue? You'd think they would have marketed that idea a long time about. I mean, they have "lady toys" shaped like Native American Princesses and Hello Kitty, you'd think there' would be a demand for a toy shaped like his tongue. If they could market themselves in the disasterous Kiss Vs. The Phantom film, I don't think the toy idea is a bad one. I guess the only setback would be how comfortable most women would feel with Gene being that close to them.There's enough cougars out there to fill the demand. Oh, he would be the one they call Dr. Feelgood...all aboard! Cum on and feel the noize, all I need L-O-V-E love machine!

When I worked at the music store back home, one of the most favourite things to steal was Ozzy Osborne cds. They would be different kinds of thefties (or "sticky fingers", to some). You know, the urban kids who would lift Tupac and Eminem and any sort of horror movies starring clowns and/or rappers (usually, those were straight to video). That was the general type of shoplifter. Then you had the downtown old rocker, the fuckin' A speakin', mullet bearing, lumberjack wearing ones. Ozzy was a hit with the thefties. To the point where when the stealing was going down, I would hear a metal anthem in my head as Kevin ran off to apprehend them. Crazy Train would often play in my head, as the long arm of the law won. Once, a female thefty pocketed a ton of Lord of the Rings DVDs (which were also a hit) and Kevin ran after her. He didn't get her, but got her purse that she threw discarded. He took it back and stuck his hand into the purse only to find multiple copies of LOTR and one shiny purple thong. Poor Kevy. Her thong didn't rock him like a hurricane, needless to say. However, it's one of my top ten Kevin/CD Plus moments. I miss that guy, working with him was always such a laugh even though I got all manager-like on him sometimes.

Not only were metal songs full of sexual insinuations, but they had a fuck-this attitude. Sure, Twisted Sister looked like a bunch of laid-off-from-meat-packing-plant-employees dressed as clown-ladies, but man...We are not going to take it! We're right - yeah! We're free - yeah! We'll fight - yeah! You'll see!

What perfect way to end a compilation and tonight.


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