22 April 2006

Pat On My Back and a Sore Tooth

Life has been fairly uneventful lately. And I’m not complaining. Days seem quiet, nights feel relaxed – there’s a sense of balance in my life. There are the beginnings of green on the trees and a smile on my face – I feel at ease, at peace. It is spring. I breathe a big sigh of relief, at getting past winter.

To those who know me well, I have tendencies of droopiness. I’m a dweller, a brooder in my own mood. I can let sleep’s bad dreams ruin my entire day and I can turn a slightly bad mood into something fiercely depressing. I have spent entire days on the couch, in gloomy dwellery.

I proposed to myself this year, I will try to be happier. Call it a New Year’s Resolution, if you will. I already understood that I was a good person and that I do not ruin my every day with a sour mood. What I did see, was that I brooded around every so often which certainly made an impression my daily life in terms of this city, where I am living, and what I am doing. I knew I needed some inner changes to bring simple happiness into my life more fully otherwise I was going to make people around me miserable. I was going to always point out the negative and not take stock in all the good that regularly surrounds me.

My goal here is not to be continuously happy like some sort of salesman bent on commission. That would drive me crazy and simply be not “me”. My goal was to be happy, be grateful, and see the beauty in life. To be good to myself, to better myself in the long run. I’m tired of being self-destructive with my own moods.

Since the beginning of this year, I have written everyday for myself. I have taken special notice to what I am grateful for everyday. I have been reading, as usual. I have taken time-outs for me. I have improved on communicating. I have been giving attention to the small details that make up the proverbial big picture. I have gotten in touch with my crafty side. My fingernails even look a little less bitten! Small steps, indeed.

It’s a work-in-progress.

However, I think I deserve a wee pat on the back. Daily writing has done me wonders, as well as taking note in what I am grateful for on an everyday basis. It’s been a long time since I felt like wasting away a day in my misery. I find that I walk a little taller (despite my bad posture!). I find that little things about people around me bother me a lot less and I can brush them off easier. The level of worry I carry has shrunk a bit. I know when I need to relax and I think it shows that I have been taking care of myself. I feel more confident in myself and getting what I want. Even if no one else has noticed, I know I have and that’s what matters the most.

On a different note, work has given me a break to collect my thoughts and feel healthy. There’s a hold on the upcoming project, so it’s the waiting game again. I welcome this break. I feel like I have been slowly falling apart this week! Nothing major, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain. First was a cut on my finger, that has taken it’s time to heal (yet, I am oddly intrigued by it). Secondly, since everyone was sick at work and the heating was messed up to the point feeling like we were working in the heart of the tropics – it lead me to feel like I was getting sick. My immune system terribly down and the heat terribly high at work, I felt like I was wading in everybody’s germs. Oh, and then the best part. Dental aches! The pain is thankfully not excruciating, but I know it will eventually be if it is not taken care of soon. It’s left me mentally exhausted. I go in on Tuesday for an exam/checkup. I expect the procedure after that will make me cry. I will mourn for money that could be spent on shoes and makeup and not on a disgruntled tooth.

In other news, a few weeks ago I brought home another stray much to my better half’s delight. I tell him I could be bringing in animals or begging him to make babies – no, instead I bring home carnivorous plants from the nasty living conditions of Home Depot. We named him Richard. Richard the Pitcher Plant – Nepenthes. It’s been a few weeks and he has perked up so much! He’s green, his pitchers are growing noticeably everyday, and I think he’s taken to his new home. We also replanted the Venus Flytraps into new pots and soil (which was a great difficulty to find in Montreal). They look much more healthy too – finally able to stretch their legs in their new home! The spikes on their traps have gotten longer as well. Weedy, the jack pine seedling…well, he’s special. I’m convinced he is growing, just very slowly. In about 40 years from now, he will be a bonsai tree.

That’s all for now. Time to tend to my tooth, with pain killers.

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