26 May 2006

Being Alone

I almost escaped Stinktown tonight but I failed. Alas, I am sitting here in front of the computer partaking in some shameless bloggery. Le sigh.

I was originally supposed to go to Ottawa for the night but plans were changed. It's too bad, I needed a little escape from this city. It wouldn't be much of an escape, mind you. Just a chance for me to chill out and see a show in another city. Plans were changed and there ended up being no room in the van for sexy bitches like myself. Oh well. At least I can't blame it on the "no girlfriends" rule anymore. There was a slight chance to see a newer friend of mine, one from back home who currently resides in Ottawa. I need a little piece of hometown every once and a while, even if it's simply sharing a laugh with someone who used to live where I used to live.

Therefore, it's another quiet night for me.

I don't know how I'll take it, once my partner leaves this summer for his tour of musical duty. I was sincerely hoping to go back home while he's gone - kill two birds that way. He's gone, I'm gone - we'll be both missing one another but at least we will be both occupied. It's all about money, when it comes down to it. I don't think I will have the money to pull it off, sadly. It's no problem while I am out there, I can come and go fairly freely without cash. It's the getting out there part that will drain my already drained bank account. It's too bad. As I said, I need a little piece of home. Anyway, I'm probably going about this very selfishly. I want him to have fun on the road but I can't help but feel whiny and "what about me?". I enjoy being alone and I like it when he goes off to do his own thing - but the thought of being alone for a good chunk of summer just irks the hell out of me. I'm going to be sitting on pins and needles. Night sounds will alarm me. I'll participate in every bad habit that I can get my hands on - excessive smoking, stewing in my own misery, and eating the worst food possible. I'll just brood and be lonely and accomplish nothing. How's that for positive thinking?!

They have to do this though so I have to be supportive. Not selfish.

It's weird and I should not put the stress on him. It's not fair nor is it cool of me.

I guess I just fear the thought of being lonely in an empty apartment for most of the summer. A time of year where I actually feel like moving about and gathering around with friends and taking long walks. Well, I can move all I want but I will still have a severe shortage of friends and the menace of being alone in my own head.

Yeah, I'm a suck.

I'd rather spend $500 on airfare so I won't have to be here alone. That way, I can be where my real "home" is - surrounded by family and friends, getting kitty cat loving, and utilizing my connections with others.

However, if I do have the time here - I can actually get some writing done without interruptions. In fact, I challenged myself to try to write a novel during this time. I have received a few comments of support and I feel encouraged - but then I sit back and simply feel exhausted at the thought. I have no idea what I'd actually write about, to be honest with you. It seems like the only ideas that ever cross my mind are juvenile ones - stupid movies titles, usually. And when I do feel possessed to write about something I am passionate about - it's about the past, it's my old blog of yesteryear that I want to turn into something. I feel like writing that is like opening up a very secretive can of worms. However, I don't want to lose this writing as it was a very interesting and passionate time in my little life. Many thoughts and ideas floated around my head during that year. I just don't want it to think I am living in the past though.

Regardless, it's my life. Scars and all. I know I'm not living in the past and I know where things stand in my present life - so that's all that really matters.

Well, at least I have the Dead Milkmen to keep me company tonight.

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