24 May 2006

Missing Home, Being Hormonal

I went through a moment of vicious and vile moods late this afternoon. I was tempted to blog mean things, cursing this city and every French person that lives in it. I wanted to add a hole in the wall and talk behind the backs of friends. But what I really wanted to do was possess the power to breath fire and break glass with the very glance of my eyes. Methinks I need to let my anger out...any which way I can. Whether it's through writing or by participating in the fine art of violently beating up garbage cans with a baseball bat until I'm exhausted - I need to let my anger out somehow.

I take a step back and occupy my mind with something, anything. I become distracted and no longer angry. Or I just get sleepy and contemplate taking a long nap under warm blankets. Ah, my happy zone. Being asleep. Is that a sign of being avoidant?!

Anyway, I was pissy earlier. The crimson tide started to eagerly flow this morning, and everything feels off and wonky with my body. My stomach has reacted oddly for the second time in less than a week. It exhausts me, to feel queesy and drained from my monthly reminder that screams I'm a woman. And to top it off, I was all dressed up and ended up with no where to go. Yes, that sends this certain female over the edge.

I realize that my need to go out and socialize is not as great as the need to relax and treat my body right. However, after days of rain and the colour grey and you name it - I just wanted to get out, be in the sun, hear some good music, and go home happy with the fact I had shared actual conversations. Face to face ones, at that - what a novel idea!

So I stay in to feel better. Truth is, my throat feels warm and uncomfortable. I have a feeling it is related to something fishy going on in my stomach. Acid reflux? Allergy to the barley in beer? Well, at least I'm not "with child" - shudders. Anyway, where was I? Yes, so I stay in. I stay in because I physically feel like warmed over crap. I miss yet another show because my stomach hurts. I haven't been out anywhere remotely "fun" in a long time. I haven't hung out with a girl friend since, oh lets see, about Christmas time. Many months ago.

And I know, it's mostly my own damn fault. I don't "get out there" enough. I must admit that I am greatly improving at socializing and I certainly make more of an effort. I feel much more comfortable around my partner's friends and people that are at shows, or what have you. Good people to chat with when you run into them here and there. But yet, no one with whom I feel that instant click of bonding with.

Perhaps, I expect too much out of people. I can't expect people to flock to me if I am so quiet and therefore somewhat intimidating. Also, I can't expect to form lifelong bonds at busy, loud shows where everyone is having a boozy ol' time - as I lurk in the back because I tend to shy away from drinking excessively. Back home, it was easy. I had the balls and I was a friendship making machine! I knew everyone to the point where others would remark at just how many I actually know. And I even considered myself anti-social back then! I move here, and I feel so solitary.

One thing about feeling alone is that you learn a lot about yourself. You find your own ways to personally amuse yourself when you don't have someone to lean on in the entertainment department. I have discovered I have much more patient with reading now, I have much more interest in continuing to write, and I have more of a passion to learn things - whether it is redundant facts or complex needlework. I probably rely too heavily on my partner for entertaining me...and I know I am bad with that. I'm not proud of it, believe me. And I hope he realizes that I don't really mean to be as socially demanding as I might be. Hey, at least I'm not expecting him to take me out to fancy dinners and demand fancy jewels. I'm pretty modest and thrifty where entertaining the female is concerned. Take me for a walk and a cheap cup of coffee and some people watching, and I'm thrilled.

Somedays, like today, I'm just tired of being alone. One of the good things about going away and leaving my longtime set of friends is the discovering. Discovering what amazing people my friends are. Discovering how much I truly value them. Discovering how happy they make me feel with their support, their senses of humour, and their beautiful kindness. I can only hope I show the same to them. I will never take forgranted the history we have together. Today, I needed a friend.

And I have one in my partner. I do not take that forgranted, even though my moods might let him think otherwise. Jesus, it's like I was raised Catholic or something - I carry around all this guilt with me!

Sometimes you just need your own friends. The ones you have met on your own and independently. The ones you hold history with. The ones who completely know what you mean when you say "garbage bags" in a manly voice or make a series of air guitar noises or references to lines in the movie Mannequin - you know, inside jokes. I hate all this growing up and moving on stuff.

(I just want to travel back to a handful of years ago just so I can take another sleepy swing dance with Kyle in my puddly driveway in the middle of the night - before he moved to Asia and I moved here. Wow, writing that totally made me cry like a little girl.)

Maybe, I shouldn't dance with the past so often. I should eagerly dance myself into the future instead. Maybe, I'm just holding myself back by clinging to the past. Sigh, I don't know.

Go out and meet people. Find your hobbies and join a group. Get out. Talk to people. Blah, blah blah. I used to rock. Now, I feel like that nervous little girl in kindergarden. Awkward, clumsy, shy. The language barrier here intimidates me. There's that big city mentality that is very unlike living in the prairies. Rarily, small talk is made in stores or out on the street. And if so, I don't understand much of it. I don't have close girl friends to bitch to over coffee. All of this being alone and feeling young and awkward again, has temporarily shut down that small part of me that is social. Of course, maybe I'm just making excuses again. It is different here, compared to back home. The people may party harder here, the people may be way more open minded, the people may be more conscious of fashion - but the people back home have hearts the colour of pure golden wheat fields, that I truly miss.

Never take your good friends forgranted.

There's nothing more I can add to my hormonal rant.

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