19 June 2006

Fear of Being Alone

I remember a time when I felt like I dazzled. I could, however, be glorifying the past as I often do. I remember a time when I felt interesting and intriguing. I could, however, be simply complaining about the same ol' thing. Sometimes re-reading old journals can be frustrating. It's great when you recognize positive change. It makes your heart drop a little when you discover that you are bitching about the same thing, year after year.

I am becoming nervous at the thought of being left alone for three weeks come next month. Am I really this co-dependant?! I am full of support for my man and his chosen career of being a hard working musician. He deserves this three week gig, even though there is no money to be had. There is no other choice but to stand by him. Deep within me lurks a bratty little girl who just seeks attention. Maybe that is a bit harsh. Deep within me lurks a girl who is scared to be alone at night. That's better. Other than a few housesitting gigs, I have never honestly been alone at night. I had company around me, always. This ain't Kansas, either. I live in a seedier part of town and too many things unnecessarily alarm me. You know, those tiny night noises or the screaming fire truck alarms or hoods yelling in the back alley. When I have the complete night to myself, I stay up as late as I can so that I can go to sleep with the sunrise. It is only then I am at peace.

I'm a nervous rural female.

A part of being alone for three weeks, fills me with this crunchy feeling. It will be very obvious - my lack of true friends in this city. Sure, some of that is my own damned fault and I know it. The others? Many of them are moving this month and a few have dropped like flies. I may not like the loneliness, but deep down I know it's better I have friends that add beauty to my life rather than catty stress.

I have challenged myself to write a book while I am playing the roll of tour widow. It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Words to keep me company. Ah, now I dread the thought. I have a hard time believing in myself and envision myself staring blankly at the computer screen, while tumbleweeds roll on by. Perhaps, I have a fear of success. Perhaps, it's a lack of inspiration due to not having those inspiring and wacky folks around me as I did back home. I can't even get off on eavesdropping in cafes or on the street because I have no idea what people are saying. It's closed me off from people.

I fear that I am boring.


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