15 June 2006

Generally Frustrated

I try my best to keep my blog entries casual, lighthearted, and far from personal. I've been through unnecessary blog drama previously, albeit mostly on networking websites such as Myspace. I want to distance myself from that. I have learned that the world wide web can be very small. The last thing I need is for people to get their panties in a knot over slightly careless and mostly tired words that flow from my lazy mouth. Oh, I remember the days of carefree blogging and spontanious confessions!

I'm tired and I'm frustrated. To chalk it up in a few words, there may be an argument waiting to happen in my humble abode. I have my own set of, perhaps, strange life guidelines. I know what makes me uncomfortable. I went through too many relationships by not standing up to what makes me uncomfortable. I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable in my own home. At times, I say things without thinking. Even when I design my sentances with fine and non-confrontational detail, I feel I am saying something insensitive and wrong. Though I am learning to stand up for myself, I seem to successfully get my point across. My words may be wrong, forgive me. My actions, however, are correct in my own mind and heart.

I am frustrated for the words that remain in my head and cannot escape past my fingertips. I have something inside my mind, waiting and waiting. Waiting to be born into something fantastic. Yet, I sit here in my frustration and tumbleweeds roll. There are no words to be expressed tonight.

I am frustrated for feeling guilty. I feel guilty for living far from home. I feel guilty leaving here, to visit home. I felt guilty talking to my sister when I mentioned I might come visit in August, instead of July. Truth be told, nothing was ever set in stone. Since hearing that my friend will be in town from Asia - I thought it would be perfect timing. Regardless of what dates I choose, someone will give me guilt. I will feel guilt for not being there in July, when my sister takes her holidays. I will feel guilt for not being there to see Kyle after three years, if I do not go in August. I will feel guilt to leave the apartment empty. I will feel guilt to leave my partner. It is as though I have been raised Catholic. The only difference is that I am completely uneducated when it comes to religion. At least I own the uniform.

I am frustrated at my failing memory. I have been re-writing my uncensored blog of yesteryear and there are moments I cannot even remember. I regret not writing them out in great detail. Who knew I was going to leave my history behind to start a new. I remember Jamie saying something to me, in a late night confession. He told me that I was his _____. His angel? His heartbeat? His inspiration? His wind beneath his wings?! Damn it all to hell! I remember the moment I heard those words. I broke down in tears as it was such a beautiful thing to hear, such a wonderous compliment. Now, I can't remember a fucking thing. Sure, I know the general feeling he gave to me. That just doesn't cut the mustard. I am sure I have written it in an old journal, which is back home.

Tonight is one of those nights were I would long to be home. Be somewhere - anywhere. As long as it wasn't here and I wasn't alone. After all, I am my own worst enemy.

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