13 August 2006

The Anxiety of Flying

Forgive me for my absence. I've been busy being lazy with my love, since he came back from tour. It's been nice. There is this incredible dreaminess that surrounds us. A brilliant honeymoon vibe that only comes with time between you and your lover. It's been pouncetastic! The only sad thing is is that I am the one leaving in a few days and for a few weeks. I hate leaving, even if it's only temporary.

It's not like I am that dependant on my partner. Sincerely, I adore being around him. I like knowing he is in the other room, while I am curled up in bed and reading a book. I enjoy bringing him green tea in the middle of the afternoon.

Ever since the beginning of our relationship, I have been full of guilt. We had a long distance relationship and that's tough. You have your life back home and he has his own life. You have to work to bring it together, if you are really serious about it. In the middle of all that working to bring it together - there is a whole lot of time apart. You wait for months to be together and it feels so painfully long. You finally get to see each other and the time sadly flies. I hated parting at the airport - I used to find that incredibly romantic until I was serious about someone - because I felt low for leaving him, for convincing him a long distance relationship can work. I'm glad he believed me because it has worked. Now, we're an old couple!

Now, I am far from family and friends. I feel guilty that I have abandoned them, even after two years. I feel guilty to not visit as much as I like to. I feel guilty that they are paying for my flight. Once I arrive, I'm fine. I'm happy and a little overwhelmed to be home. But I end up feeling guilty for leaving my partner. He understands, this is my home and I have to see family. I still feel incredibly bad for leaving him. When I leave home to go back to my partner, I feel guilty for abandoning my family again. What the hell is wrong with me!? I'm just a tense ball of guilt!

Flying scares me now. I fear something would happen between Home A and Home B. Along with my feelings of guilt, come truly grim and gloomy thoughts of disaster. Can I ever allow myself to relax? Chances are, nope! Now, there are restrictions on travel. I can abide by them with slight annoyance. Every time I fly, I have to remove my belt and shoes. My carry-on is constantly being pawed at. I'm glad safety is up and the airports are taking extra precautions. I have to say, banning liquids kind of pisses me off. Like I said, I am happy to abide by the rules. It's annoying that it's come to this point. It's sad that that small child cannot take his or her bottle of juice on the plane, just because some asshole has no problem with blowing up buildings with bombs attached to their own kids. I'm at this point where I just don't fucking care anymore. These people are more than welcome to blow up themselves and others in their OWN country. I'm not talking the country that they immigrated to either. Okay, I'll just say it already - in the middle east. I just don't care. This is getting personal - they are now fucking around with my beauty routine. I can no longer bring a tube of lipstick on a plane because of these fucking assholes. And if the airport goes through my checked bags and throw out my $50 bottle of Biotherm Source Therapie, I'm going to be pissed. If any of my expensive cosmetics melt or are destroyed or thrown out - I'm going to declare war.

In all seriousness, I will abide by the rules. It sucks but it's a minor inconvenience. It's to make our country safer. The sad thing is what's next?

I used to love to fly but it fills me with severe panic now and I can't even bring my homeopathic remedies on board to calm me down.

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